I’ve come to an age where I have to pay attention to what I eat. How do I know this? Because of the various “ists” in my life. I collect medical specialists like I collected baseball cards in my youth. Currently, I’m under the care of a cardiologist, a nephrologist, a urologist, an internist, a neurologist, a podiatrist, an orthopedist, a gastroenterologist, and, of course, a psychiatrist. I also see a chiropractor who doesn’t get an “ist” because he didn’t go to medical school- although he’s just as good.
What they’ve all said, is that I have to watch what I eat. Which doesn’t mean that I’m to take pictures of each meal and post them on Facebook. What it does mean, if I want to stay healthy as I enter my later years, I need to maintain a healthy diet.
Long gone are the days of my youth when the only thing that mattered when it came to food was how it tasted, how much I liked it, and how much of it I could I eat before I’d explode.
It’s like the old joke: “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food. I eat it.”
But my new healthy way of eating has changed everything. As a consequence, I’m always hungry for the food I’m not allowed to eat.
As soon as I see someone eating on screen, I completely lose the thread of the story and focus on the risotto or the pie ala mode they’re enjoying. Most people fast forward through commercials because they want to get back to the program. I do it so that I don’t see commercials for Dairy Queen, which makes me want to reach through the television and grab one of those Blizzards.
I can’t look at a restaurant menu without calculating the potential damage to my arteries and cholesterol level. Every order comes after a Hamlet-like internal struggle between what I want and what I know I should be eating. Last week I stopped at a diner to grab a quick bite. By now, I know what I can eat in a diner that will be relatively healthy and at least somewhat enjoyable. But, on this occasion, there was a young man sitting in a booth across from mine who I could clearly hear ordering a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake. I was able to put his order out of my head until his food arrived. As I picked at my egg white and spinach omelet, I could not take my eyes off the juicy meat, golden-brown potatoes, and frosty shake that he was eating. In a fit of Schadenfreude, I tried to make myself feel better by imagining him becoming obese after accumulating a series of debilitating health issues.
It didn’t work.
The internet is no escape. I find myself clicking on sites I know I should not be looking at.
Given the care that my wife takes to prepare meals that are good for me, she would probably be hurt if she knew I was ogling pictures of seven-layer cake, chili dogs, and pizza. I know I shouldn’t look but sometimes I can’t help myself.. The images alone cause me to salivate like Pavlov’s pooch. I have tried to stay away, but when I land on a site that shows a fluffy Mac and Cheese, in my not-so-healthy heart, I want it.
I should admit that I have slipped from time to time. At a friend’s barbecue, my wife saw me looking lovingly at the grill filled with plump hot dogs and sausages. Unable to resist, I scooped one up and before I was done, grabbed a second one.
I know my wife didn’t approve but she and I have an understanding – as long as I don’t make a habit out of it, or do it at home, she accepts my occasional straying from healthy eating.
I’ve really tried to stop, but unfortunately, the longings persist.
Maybe I should just stay off the internet.
Or, I could just watch porn.
Ed’s prose has been seen in Flash Fiction Magazine, Bright Flash Literary Review, Fleas on the Dog, The Haven, Crow’s Feet, Center for Creative Writing, Submittable, Door is a Jar, the Bronx Memoir Project Vols. I, III, and VI, Shady Grove Literary, and Read650.. His plays have been staged throughout the New York metropolitan area, and around the country. His anthology Short Plays for Long Lives is published by Blue Moon Press. His monologues are included in the anthologies, Mother/Daughter Monologues: MidLife Catharsis and Urgent Maturity published by the International Centre for Women Playwrights. His monologue, Hannah, is published in Best Women’s Monologues for 2019.